Hi, I’m Carina. I know it sounds cliche’ or maybe you’ve heard this story a million times already but I think I’m what people call a closeted bisexual.
It’s been getting me down a lot lately, borderline unproductive. I find it hard to tell anyone because I’m afraid of what everyone will think of me. You see, I’m one of those visible people in our University (I’m an officer of the University’s Drama Club), so I guess that also adds to the stress of not being able to come out to anyone at all. I’ve felt this way, or should I say that I’ve felt different from other girls ever since I was in high school. I thought that it was just a petty thing, just a phase that an adolescent goes through but when I became a college student, let’s just say it became more serious than I thought.
I did date guys when I was in my earlier years in college – and still until now that I’m a graduating student – but I never had a real boyfriend. One observation is that, when they try to get closer to me or get a little serious with dating, I either push them away, push myself away from them or worse, just disappear. I don’t know why but I just don’t feel like getting into a commitment with anyone. I guess it’s just now that I came to realize that I’m not as attracted to guys as I am to girls. Sometimes I would often just brush the feeling off, or when it kinda becomes a little too obvious for me – like staring at a pretty or hot girl, I quickly look away, afraid of getting caught by the people I’m with. Yes, I do like guys, I’m attracted to them a lot, but I also like girls. Maybe more than I should.
I find it hard to tell my friends since they’ve known me now for years already. Moreover, I’m scared of how people will think of me, especially that I’m a student leader and I have a responsibility to be this good model inside the University. My friends jokingly doubt me since I’ve never had a boyfriend. They kept teasing me with “You’re pretty naman, is there something that you’re hiding from us?” or “Are you playing for the other team ba?” Either way, I just disregard the teasing and laugh with them about the matter. Lie to them about it. Making up lame excuses why I wouldn’t date. Making up stories. You know, usual stuff that closeted people do. Hurtful stuff for me since not only am I living a lie but I’m also deceiving the people that I love the most. I’m kind of thinking about confessing to my two best friends about this matter, especially the other one of them since she’s a bisexual. They’re the most supportive people I know and are like sisters to me already but I’m just afraid about what they’ll think. Will it change everything? Will it change nothing? I’m not sure if it’ll even come as a shock to them since the three of us are very close. It’s just that it gets frustrating even more now. I don’t know what to do. I feel kinda stupid searching girls on dating websites like Downelink anonymously. Being friendly with them and stuff but just can’t go out and date these girls because I’m afraid of being public with it, I can’t even post my goddamn picture, afraid of being seen by someone I know. I feel deprived of my happiness since I can’t show who I am to these people that I love, I feel that I’m fooling them into believing that I’m this oh-so-perfect girl when it’s just the very opposite. I’m living with fear and I don’t know what to do. How do I start with this? Should I come out to my best friends? What I can do to get out of this situation that’s frustrating me a lot already? What should I do? I need your advice. Please help me. I believe that you can help me with this dilemma. Thank you so much in advance.
First of all , I’m sorry that it took me almost a year to reply to your message.
I’ve been slaving myself at work, and I’m in a state where in I need saving from this sapphic poverty that I am currently in. Hence, my deep apologies.
Second, It’s been a year already. I believe that there are many notable events that have occurred in a span of a year. There are just so many catching up to do. I guess if we are friends in real life, I would be bombarding you with questions like, “Have you come out to your best friend?”, “How did the coming out go?”, “Have you kissed a girl?”, “Do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend?” and to the point of a slightly perverted one like, “Have you done it with a girl?”. (Evil grin)
Third, coming out, well it is the most common problem that lesbians and bisexuals face, even myself.
“How can I give advice to a closeted girl, when even myself is closeted too?”, a dilemma that I always encounter when giving advice to people who are just like me.
I’ve been closeted since the day I jumped into the gay bandwagon. Like you, I’m scared of what other people would think and the worst part would be the rejection that goes along with it. If only it is easy to slip such words like “I love women”, “I love pussy” out from my lips, then I wouldn’t be hiding behind Sophia, my colorful rainbow lesbian alter ego, in the first place.
I know how it feels to be conscious of your actions in public. It is as if my sexuality is an automatic switch, when I’m out I am like the straightest rod there is. Some people tell me that I’m too paranoid, when there is really nothing to worry about but I’m too overly conscious even to the tiniest sign of being “gay”. I am just, at the moment, still trying to be comfortable with my own skin.
Same as you, I never wanted to live my life in fear and to the point of deceiving people of who I’m really not. I’ve been wanting to come out, but I’m currently waiting for the perfect time for it. For now, I guess the only place I could be gay all the way is through this website, apart from the occasional meetups with some lesbians. Don’t worry, I will come out soon, and you will be the first one to know! (lol)
As for your dilemma, all I know is that there is no definite time period in coming out. As long as you feel comfortable with such decision, then nobody or nothing will stop you. In behalf of the closeted federation, we will be proud of you of whatever your decision will be. It is one bold move that each closeted person will embark on. What I could be of sense to you and your dilemma right now is to encourage you to widen your horizon by mingling with lesbians and bisexuals, regardless of being out or not. It would be great to take as much perceptions as possible from other people’s closeted and, out and proud experiences. It will give you a clearer and better outlook of your own situation.
Lastly, here is a point to ponder on.
“Sexuality is just a piece of your whole being. You are not loved, more or less because of sexual orientation.”
I hope I somehow lessen the dilemma.
With so much love,
Sophia, also confused sometimes.