I always believed that the longevity of a relationship always relies on a simple choice: either to keep going or to give up this Lesbian love. I believed that as long as you two truly love each other and want to be together, you must never give up. I always said that you should never let external forces, like other people or a situation, affect this choice. And, if you were to give up, it would be because something didn’t work out between the two of you.
But then again life comes to bring conflicts, to challenge even the beliefs you were once strongly sure of. As I find myself in the middle of this complicated situation with the one girl I love the most, all I could hope is that we could teleport to a different world, with more loving and accepting people.
See, I love her, and she loves me. After years of being together, we’ve come to that point where we’ve realized that our compatibility is so great and our love has grown way beyond our expectations. Now take it easy, I didn’t say we’re a perfect couple, but somehow our differences actually complemented each other. Yeah, cliché. But it’s true. We had our share of arguments, of course, but we grew. We went from the dependent, “clingy” stage, to the independent, supporting-each-other stage.
So what’s the problem? We share this principle of the importance of family. Close family ties is definitely on the top of our list of priorities. Now at first it sounds good, until you find out that her family actually hates me. Nope, they despise me, to the point they actually threatened me just so I’d stay out of their daughter’s life. I almost tried, but our love prevailed. But we were in college then. Now it’s different. What hurts the most is that they don’t despise me because of who I am, they despise me because of what they see I am: a lesbian. An abomination. A walking sin.
Now, as we look at that very near future, we see that there aren’t much possibilities for us together. We could still be together, but sooner or later her parents are going to find out, and she’ll be kicked out and will never be talked to again. Not exaggerating, happened once already. Quite ironic for a family so close, how easily they’d be willing to kick out their daughter if they find out that she’s in love with another girl, but I guess I never really understood how her parents’ brains worked anyway. When that happens, it’ll surely break her heart. She loves her parents and her siblings dearly, and I just couldn’t imagine her not being able to talk to them. Even I wouldn’t bear losing contact with my parents and siblings. She loves her family as much as I love mine. Which makes it all so complicated for me.
The other possibility, is that we go abroad and just keep on hiding our relationship. She’ll get to see her family once in a while, but we’ll forever be hiding, or at least until her parents die of old age (kidding). When I told her about this idea, she can’t seem to accept the idea of continuously lying to her family, making up stories. I understand, of course. But that leaves us with no other choice than the worst: to break up.
Most days I pray that there were a third option: that they’d finally accept that their daughter is truly in love with me, that she’s not just going through a “phase”. But that’s as bleak as the possibility for me to win 1st in a triathlon (I’m terrible in sports).
I’ve considered the idea to just wing it, you know. Go with the flow, hope for the best. But for every passing day, I just fall in love with her more. The longer we just “go with the flow”, the deeper I go into this quicksand… then what if she breaks up with me for her family? How do I get out of the sand when I’ve already been sucked in deep? The more time passes, the more I feel the odds go against my favor. She loves her family so much, and I’m very proud of her for that, but it also puts me in a tight spot. And if she chooses me, I don’t think I could carry the burden of seeing her heart broken, missing her family.
I guess the question is… shall I take the risk of getting my heart extremely broken for that little hope that she’ll still choose me or that her parents finally accept us? Just keep going, knowing she’ll one day have to choose, and that certainly wouldn’t be me over her family. Or do I have to realize that it’s time to let go, to stop prolonging her agony, to give us both the opportunity to find the right persons for us? But what if we’re actually the ones for each other?