I honestly thought I would never meet anyone like her. I was already resigned to that. I was thinking that my hope of falling in love with someone was only dangerously wrought by watching too many movies, being hypnotized by eargasmic songs, reading too many stories that spoke of successful gay lives and loves happening in other countries. On the bright side, those stories made me proud of who I am. However, in view of my reality, these were all lies that would never happen for me. I started ignoring that hope. Why set myself up for something unreal, so farfetched?
Then there she was. She was like the coming dawn after a long, cold night.
Like pristine water in a dry, barren desert.
Like serenity felt outside a chaotic city.
Like the first sentence of an amazing novel.
Like the beating of a heart.
All those warm, loving feelings didn’t shoot right through me though when I first saw her. What I felt was sleepiness because it was close to 12am. We noticed each other on the Lezworld group chat because a cupid, who was also an online member, told us we would make a cute couple. I took her words with a grain of salt because this wasn’t the first time I’ve heard her say that to me. Thank goodness her arrow got it right this time. We chatted a bit. She seemed a nice, smart girl so I tried looking for her in Facebook. I saw her. I thought it was her. But it was just a phony account made by her ex.
I found that out the next time we got to meet each other online again. Since what I dug up was a fake profile picture of her, I asked for her Facebook. She didn’t want to give it. I gave mine though. Then she just shared her picture to me to be fair.
There she was. Her photo shown on my laptop screen. Then there was the time. It was almost the next day. I wanted sleep. So I said my goodnight. As fate would have it, we got to meet each other online again a few days after and I asked that we exchange phone numbers.
Fast-forward to our first date. Did I feel attraction? Of course. But it was neither the physical nor the emotional kind. I adored her mind. That was important to me. She was the eloquent, ambitious, independent type of woman I want. Another good thing was that she was willing to share things about herself because I am the type who doesn’t tend to talk much about myself with someone I just met.
After our dinner, we watched what to me was one of the most boring movie I’ve ever seen – G.I. Joe: Retaliation. I had no idea what it was about and none of its scenes sparked my interest even one bit. But there was this beautiful girl beside me. I had to do something. I (seductively?) tried to find a way to hold her hand. It wasn’t so much seductive as it was just frankly wanting to hold her hand to feel a romantic connection. Thankfully, I wasn’t rejected. Albeit my immediate attempt to hold hands, I still had my guard up inside.
I don’t know when the emotional connection started. But it was surely slowly creeping in. I knew she’d been given the right tug on my heartstrings the first time I cried because of what she said. After telling me that she hadn’t seen any lesbian-themed movies, I told her I’m going to give her copies of good ones. Then she texted me that she didn’t want to see those films because she wanted to be straight. My heart went cold with those words. I didn’t want to know this girl anymore. I cried. It wasn’t because I already loved her. Tears don’t always mean love. Usually, tears are just a symptom of an ache. I had an ache to love her. I wanted us to fall in love with each other. Call it cheesiness, but that was the truth. Sometimes there are just people who come into your life and, in a matter of a relatively short time, they have an effect on you. She was that kind of person to me.
I also felt sad because of the society we live in where gay people would be very unsure of being who they are because of the stigma. Although I wanted her to be strong, at that time I was thinking that I didn’t have the right to say how to live her life. I maintained my coolness in texting her. She sensed that I didn’t appreciate what she said about wanting to be straight and told me it was just a joke. Maybe she forgot that she already shared to me before that she’s been thinking about being straight, so I didn’t take it as a joke the second time she said it.
After a month or so of dating, we made it official on her birthday. I don’t want to share the details of how it happened. There are just some things in life that I’d rather keep private because sharing would feel like letting a fine moment go that its lovely heaviness would turn into this frivolous lightness now carried by other people I’ve shared it to. But I will share this predictable, yet forever remarkable thing – she kissed me. And, suddenly, everything felt worth it.
So, when did I feel like she’s that coming dawn? Or that pristine water? That serene sensation amidst all struggles? That first sentence to a beautiful story? Or like the beating and breath of life?
Now. As I write and think about us, I feel it in me. I feel that everytime I see her. Everytime I receive her text. Everytime I hear her voice. Everytime she holds and kisses me. Everytime we assure each other that we’ll be forever. Even all those times we had a misunderstanding. All those times when distance makes us feel a mutual yearning.
Every second I spend with you I feel a strong energy of wanting to be a better person. This is love, babe. Despite everything, we will grow together stronger in every way. I know this to be true. I have faith in us. I won’t let us down.
I love you.