It’s been awhile since I posted my endless emotional rants in here. I stopped because I felt like I was becoming a major “deb” and switched to posting educational, less personal and buzz-worthy contents instead. However, now, I would like to share my thriving, almost asystole lesbian life, since I moved here in Manila. It’s quite odd that the rainbow aura of mine is gradually depleting, despite being in a fast paced urban jungle, Lesbolandia. The problem is not being confused with my sexuality, because honey, I do love women, it is just that I’m having lesbian dilemmas in the workplace, one of the culprits of my impending demise.
I simply couldn’t utter the words, “Hey, by the way, I’m lesbian. L E S B I AN, and proud.”
The words are just too comfortable being stuck inside my throat. Believe me, I tried to intoxicate myself to let the alcohol do the talking but I just couldn’t do it. I want to blame the alcohol for failing me to express what I’ve been trying to say. There are just many things to consider, the “what ifs”, that is why I rather just become invisible, at least I wouldn’t worry of any undesirable aftermaths. It’s been six years that I first took a leap in to the gay world, but ’til now I still ask myself, “When will be the right time to come out?” Is there really an exact date: the exact month, day, and hour? I really don’t know.
I wanted to share something about myself, my relationship, my past relationships and many more during drinking sessions with my workmates at the hospital but I just decided not to. I guess I’m still looking for the right time to let it all out.I guess I’m too in love with my closet – to the point of being punitive in suppressing my very true nature – being “Charice”. I’m not offended or anything with such term being used by them in referring to Lesbians. In fact, they make nonchalant comments about Lesbians and Gays sometimes, which aren’t irritating however, it saddens me that most of them, still have the false notions about the Gay World. Don’t get me wrong but I do think of them as good friends but I don’t approve their misconceptions.
After the day Charice Pempengco came out, the topic of conversation during our lunch break was about Charice and her sexuality as a “Joboy”, as they call it. One of them said “Being gay is a choice naman eh.” and another continued “Abnormal talaga yan.” When I heard the word “abnormal”, I was taken aback and would wanted to defend myself and the whole federation of lesbians and gays by retaliating with a good rebuttal of how stupid the remark was. It was really uncalled for, but I just remained calm and quiet, because I was not yet in the position of arguing and at the same time, coming out in a sloppy time of the day without much preparation. Having a mild obsessive compulsive personality, I like things to be planned ahead and I prefer the day of my coming out to be the most grandeur and highlighted event of my life similar to weddings or the day your precious cherry was popped – you know that I mean.
Anyways, with much confusion in my head right now about these lesbian workplace dilemmas I’m going through, I relied on Google to give me some enlightenment. Close to my situation, I would want to share a research called The Double-Glazed Glass Ceiling by Stonewall. It is about the experiences of Lesbians and Bisexuals in the workplace, where in there is a far less visibility of them than gay men because they think that their gender creates a great barrier to success at work than their sexual orientation. It is quite interesting that these women are more concerned of achieving their potential as women rather than the need of being accepted as a gay woman. I guess one of the problems is the lack of visible role models in the higher rank, which in my reality, I don’t have anyone to look up to as role model – preferably a lesbian senior nurse.
For now, I’ll just be an internet meme lesbian, also known as Sophia Lesbourne ’til then pussy munchers!
Signing off from my unresolved lesbian workplace dilemmas.
Have a good rainbow Friday everyone!