Bad Dream

Bad Dream

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I just had a bad dream. I was looking for her but it seemed that I couldn’t find her anywhere. Running around circles, the setting changed from the usual familiar places to a forest. I was facing the verge of apocalypse. I could literally see whirlwinds appearing out of nowhere and they were headed on my way. I panicked with cold sweats running down like waterfalls. I felt like my heart was having an ischemia for its compensation of too much efforts of blood pumping. With the flight mode switched on, I ran which ever direction my legs took me just to get away. While running, I was thinking where she could possibly be because she might be in danger too. Finally, I was able to escaped and went to find her. Then, I saw three people from far away then I recognized them when I got nearer. They were my grand mother, mother and cousin. I was glad to see them safe and alive. The dream changed. I was transported to another place. It was my house. I found myself in the living room and I saw her. I wanted to run and hold her tight in my arms but it seems that there was an invisible force that separated us. I couldn’t go near her and even tell her what I was feeling. Then, there was a big bulky man with an unshaven face, who entered the scene. He kissed her on the cheek and murmured words to her ears, and I couldn’t seemed to understand but I felt a pang of jealousy. I was confused. I didn’t know how to react in a much subtle accepting manner. She seemed to be insensitive of her actions knowing that I was there looking at them with a blank face. The dream got weirder. There was seemed to be another third person voice, who entered uninvited. With the all the weird things happening, I wanted to hit the narrator with anything that I could hold on to. Having the voice of a man, the narrator said that the unshaven, ugly man was her husband. Hearing what he said, I wished to disappear and forever be dead. I am not sure if I was actually part of the scene, but it hinted me that I might be a third person viewer. I couldn’t even touch her or do anything. I was just there frozen, while the scene unfolded in a much slower pace like those found in sad Korean movies that most people watch.  I guess the only thing missing, was having a background music of “killing me softly” by Fugees. I could felt beads of tears rolling down my cheeks. She seemed not to recognize me at all. I felt hurt, betrayed and lost. She has been a part of me for so long and why can’t she not recognize me? Then I woke up. I checked my phone and texted her about my bad dream. I paused for a minute to relax myself and in that point of time, I felt like everything around me seems to swallow me in coldness. I realized that I didn’t turn off my laptop and decided to write about my bad dream in order to let every bad vibes out. Now, I feel a slight relief after what just happened during my sleep. Maybe I am just too tired today because I just arrived from Dumaguete City. I attended a seminar in Nursing for continuing education purpose. Right now, I just wish she is here with me as I type these letters. They say dreams or even bad ones, are reflections of our subconscious mind. I guess I could conclude that one of my greatest fear that I constantly shovel in my subconscious mind is the uncertainty of being in a relationship that is not accepted by society’s norms. Before I was carefree about the fluid aspect of sexuality but now I am quite scared. I don’t want to wake up that one day, my girl friend decides to leave me for a woman and worst for a man. I haven’t felt this kind of fear of losing somebody except losing her in my life. Let’s just say my heart beats for her, which is corny or even lame for everyone to hear, including me. I don’t know. All I know is that I love her so much and I don’t want to have that kind of dream again.   The End.

I'm currently working in intensive care, where I handle most cases of post liver transplants and liver disease. Other than that, I like hanging out at the library, just being a total nerd all the time.

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