The first time I had chat with someone here (sapphiclounge), she asked me whether I’m lesbian or bi. Since I don’t know if I am n/either, I told her I’m confused. I never got the chance to tell her about the things that confuse me because it was my first time to ever talk to someone who’s openly gay and even though she assured me that everything’s cool, I was still kinda embarrassed and lost at what to ask or say to the point of acting like an idiot. See, it was all so new for me.
Then I learned there’s an advice section. Maybe if I tell you about it, you can help lessen my confusion?
1. I consider myself somewhat of a vegetarian for the last 2 years or so. Aside from vegetables and fruits, I only eat dairy products and eggs. Until maybe about 6 months ago, when I watched the movie “But I’m a Cheerleader” where they implied that being a lesbian and being a vegetarian have a correlation. I know it’s just a movie and I shouldn’t take everything from it seriously. Natalie Portman is a vegan and is straight. Still, I’ve got self-conscious and right away started including fish and chicken in my diet.
2. I love watching movies and reading novels (duh, who doesn’t?). But lately I realized I’ve becoming more and more interested with stories that are about lesbians. I know this doesn’t prove I’m lesbian or anything ‘cause I also enjoy reading and watching shows about zombies and vampires but that doesn’t make me a vampire or a zombie. But I couldn’t help wonder, maybe I’m one of those three?
3. I watched Magic Mike because it got so much internet buzz and I also wanna see a striptease movie for women. I enjoyed the guys parading their bodies but somehow, I kept missing Brooke when she’s not in the scenes. Not only Magic Mike, but sometimes I watch crappy movies just because of the leading ladies.
4. My whole life, I’ve only been with guys. I tend to get promiscuous when I’m drunk, and I sometimes end up in their bed. The first time I slept (literally) with a guy, my back was turned on him the whole night. He was trying to make me face him, (maybe he wanted a kiss?) I was so young then, I just feigned asleep. The next time I slept in another guy’s bed (I was already in my twenties) I think I almost puke in his bed from drinking too much. The next time, with another guy, I let him fondle me under my shirt and also dry-hump. The next was a lucky bastard: I didn’t know what got into me but I gave him a hand job. The next guy, I got lucky: we were already naked but I think he had erectile dysfunction or maybe it was the alcohol or maybe it was just me. TMI? In contrast: whenever I get to sleepover with a certain friend who is a girl, I tend to be more cautious, afraid to get too comfy to the point of not getting any sleep at all, which is kinda funny since I always insist that we sleep together on the same bed. There was this one time just before going to bed she said her back was killing her but I was scared to offer her a back rub. I don’t know why maybe I was afraid of getting carried away or something.
So basically, these things confuse me:
- I’m afraid I’m making efforts to prove I’m straight by stirring clear of things that might give me away as not. I’m not only talking about being a vegetarian but some other stuff like wearing plaid and avoiding looking at hot girls in public because I might seem ogling.
- Does being interested in a certain way of life leads in living that certain way of life?
- I might be attracted to both female and male species, but does that automatically make me a bisexual?
- Finally, could ever lack of sexual pleasure from guys turn a girl into girls?
I’m aware that life does not revolve around sexual orientation. But I’m afraid of what I might be losing out in life if it turns out I’m actually gay.
Living life confused is no fun.
Dear Confused Girl,
Thank you for having the time in sharing this to me.
After reading this, I asked myself, “How can I give advice to a confused girl, when even myself is confused too?”. However let’s analyze each sections carefully and apply rational thinking to it the best we can.
Are you familiar with the stages of acceptance by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross? Stages of Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and eventually Acceptance to coming into terms with one’s sexuality. Based on the points that you have provided, I can safely say that you are in the stage of denial. Before delving deep into this stage, let’s iron out the issues first.
1. The correlation between “Homosexuality” and “Being Vegetarian” – As far as I know, there are no evidence-based research that could support such correlation. It is merely just a ridiculous stereotype about homosexuals particularly, lesbians.
“You don’t have pictures of any guys in your locker, and you’ve been trying to make us eat this… tofu.” – 90’s flick But I’m A Cheerleader
The statement obviously parodied Megan’s latent homosexuality from being a vegetarian. I hope it won’t affect your dietary choice because there is no absolutely any connection between being a lesbian and the love for vegetables.
2. Lesbian Novel and Movie Junkie – There is nothing wrong about having an interest into those lesbian themed entertainments. To make my point clear, I have finished two “Lad Lad” books (Filled with stories about gay men and their experiences) by Danton Remoto and it doesn’t make me gay at all. Also, I love to watch TV series “Dexter” (About a serial killer on the hunt), and I don’t have any urges to kill a random person – yet.
3. Attractive Leading Ladies – I already watched Magic Mike and, I can say I am definitely lesbian because I didn’t feel any sexual urges afterwards. It would be a different thing if hot women were parading their bodies, if you know what I mean. There is nothing wrong with what you are feeling, it is perfectly normal to have girl crushes or to ogle a hot woman’s tightly contoured body.
4. Like they say when drunk, hormones are wild and raging. There is no room for logical thinking. However, if you don’t feel any sexual urges towards the opposite species, then it would be proper to stop right there. There is nothing more fulfilling than translating a mere sex into a much higher meaning. I don’t encourage the idea of getting on bed with women but since there are a number of instances that, you never felt satisfied with a man, I guess it is the right time to play on the other side of the court. It is best to test the waters first before diving in completely though.
Now, let’s talk about the Denial Stage. It is the most difficult part to get through, but still dependent on the person herself, because the main theme of it is “It is not me”. Denial is perfectly a normal defense mechanism of our mind, both conscious and subconscious. It is a gradual intake of the situation and how it is going to affect life in general. In coming into terms with one’s sexuality, one will feel uneasy about how her friends and family’s perceptions of her would change. It is the make or break part of the whole psychological journey to acceptance.
Just remember that sexuality is just a piece of your whole being. You are not loved, more or less because of sexual orientation. I hope I somehow lessen the confusion…
With so much love,