I’m Letting You Go

I’m Letting You Go

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Love is powerful, but its dissolution is more potent still

“I don’t love you anymore. I don’t want you in my life…”, she said.

With those words coming from somebody, who I’d known for intimately as a sister, best friend and a lover, I couldn’t manage myself to believe. I was in a state of great grief and denial. I understood only that something gruesome had just blindsided me. Still in shock, my mind wandered endlessly. I felt like I wanted to disappear right at that moment. Everything seemed to be of no value to me.

Tears started rolling down from my eyes while being curled up on bed. I felt like a bird being shot and left dying. Living alone, I didn’t have any support system. Right then and there, I was bound to crash down. Simply put it, it was one of the most devastating moments of my life.

Who do you turn to when the only person in the world that can stop you from crying, is exactly the one making you cry?

It was four years ago that we had first met at a local video rental shop. After exchanging hand gestures and receiving a peck on my cheek, which was unexpected on a first date, we agreed to go to a cafe nearby. Basing on how she brought herself to me, she was an alpha female type which perfectly fitted my standard. She was tall, fair – skinned, and very feminine. While in the cafe, both seated across each other, I felt a little nervous. She somehow broke the ice between us when she noticed the book I brought with me. It was a local book titled Twisted by Jessica Zafra. From that point, I was impressed because I was the type of person who seldom be interested of others.

During those times, I still had residual feelings for my first ex-girlfriend. I was soul searching. I was struggling to adjust on how to go about with my sexuality. There was nobody to turn to. It somehow affected my performance in school. I was basically a lost sheep until I met her. She gave me hope in finding my way back. She was the only person in this world who I opened to without any hesitation. I found myself bonded in ways  I’d never felt with another human being. She was an angel, a sister, a best friend and a lover.

In the cookies of life, sisters are the chocolate chips.

During our relationship, there were happy memories worth keeping  and bad memories worth learning from. I could say that I learned many things from our relationship. She was the best thing that happened to me. She was my great happiness. Then, I lost her.

I hate you…and then I love you…it’s like I want to throw you off a cliff….then rush to the bottom to catch you

Being human, I sometimes slipped in the abyss of melancholy like a cocaine addict looking for a quick fix. Sometimes a running commentary on feelings and emotions was an endless flood of intrusive thoughts that assaulted me every night. It felt like being trapped in a box with a loudspeaker which amplified my thoughts, continuously broadcasting my shortcomings.

If someone you love hurts you cry a river, build a bridge, and get over it.

The world will not stop and will continue moving. I realized that if I let this emotions kept on hindering me from continuing my life, I will inevitably lose in the end. I also realized that she wasn’t the person that I knew for four years already. She changed. Her feelings changed. I had to accept that whether I like it or not.

Now, life still goes on. I am on my way to reaching my dreams without her or anybody. I should always remember that. I will not fight against the current  of life instead I’ll let myself flow with it with grace. Sometimes in life the cards we are dealing with are not always fair. Despite that, we have to learn how to smile and keep moving on.

I am finally letting go…


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