How did i get here? How did i end up alone in my room, half drunk with cheap alcohol?
As I smelled my rum-cola breath, filled with pain and desperation, I remembered: my ex-girlfriend, whom I thought was THE ONE broke up with me a few days ago.
“Oh no she didn’t! Oh, yes she did!”
Breakups are part of life and they may be because of a plethora of reasons. However, of all the reasons in the world, it had to be the one I feared the most; she cheated on me with a member of the male species.
This thing, to me, was unimaginable. I never thought she could do it to me! I mean she had history of being impulsive whenever she got angry, but that was with her other ex whom she said, was unfaithful !
But why me?! ME…loyal as ever! Why? I mean I have my faults, but I was willing to work on them and truly change for the better, and I was always apologetic –never too proud to admit my mistakes. Whenever I got angry at her before, the idea to have someone else’s tongue down my throat or feel someone else’s skin on mine, just for retribution, was unfathomable! Ridiculous! Stupid!
“It’s Your call sistah!”
So, why? Do I dare to search for the answers? Should I blame myself for her actions? Should we ever blame ourselves if our partners cheated on us? Should we blame our inadequacies? The circumstances?
Girls, ladies, my good women, the answer should always be NO. As far as I’m concerned, people are responsible for their actions. If she cheated on me to spite me or hurt me because she was fed up with my bullshit, well she just succeeded! Congratulations!
To all of you who are planning to cheat, or who may have somebody on the side already, ask yourselves if what you’re doing is worth it. Know what you are throwing away. If ever you are planning to tell your partner that you cheated, or want to come clean because you want to rid yourself of the guilt that’s gnawing at you every second, suck it up bitch!
Although you might feel relieved because you just wanted to be “honest” (yeah right), you are actually just passing on the burden to your partner! So I say it again, suck it up and live with your guilt! After all, don’t you think you deserve to suffer a bit for being a lying, cheating #$%^&? I thought so!
“Bitter is not better”
Trust is one of the fundamentals of a relationship. Once that trust is betrayed, it is hard to build up, and sometimes it is irreparable. In my case, once is enough and there is no turning back. So now, I find myself vacillating between sadness, loneliness, feeling hurt, missing her, and being okay, being super okay, to being sad again. But feeling hatred? Never. Why do we hate? Because we got hurt. So in essence, all that hatred is all because of all that pain. Hatred might be easier to handle for most of people, but I choose not to. I refuse to be a victim of hate and anger and bitterness.
I am still on this very long and very hard road to recovery. I still can’t sleep sober without images of her and whoever that guy is, flashing over and over. That sort of thing is very traumatic and can drive people crazy! Hell, I wanted to jump off the plane on the way home! That’s 30,000 feet of free fall and a painless death (I’m guessing). But I will never give her that satisfaction. I love myself too much!
“Grieve in style”
I am still mourning the loss of a relationship that I had nurtured for almost 3 years. Although most of it was spent long distance, I was willing to work hard for it because I thought she was the one! I wanted it to be her. However, she probably didn’t want it as much as I did.
I figured that the only way to expedite my recovery was to block her from my Facebook account. Social media can be quite ruthless. It is best to detach.
The question now is, do I dare retaliate? YES! The best form of revenge, however, will always be to be a better me. That I can actually survive without her! Humans, by nature are resilient and the last time I checked, I’m human!
So here’s the master plan– I will get fit, and look hotter than ever, will work hard and have a slamming career, and maybe, just maybe, someone out there who is also as loyal as I am in relationships, will notice me for who I really am, and treat me right. But I am in no rush. I will try to enjoy this single status with a grain of salt and a shot or two of vodka with the bestest of friends. I will try to do the things I wasn’t able to do because I was in a relationship, and I will enjoy doing them!
The future is looking brighter now, probably because the alcohol is wearing off (yeah, so I hydrated while I was writing this, sue me!), and I have more clarity.
I know I loved her and I know she must have loved me once upon a time… but I deserve better. We all do , and we deserve to be loved. Never settle for anything less.